Amor est Dolor
by allltheselittlethings
Summary: All Avalyn has ever known is pain. Locked behind her bright smile is a broken girl, trying her hardest not to fall apart. Nobody cares enough to see the pain underneath her fiery personality, until a certain Marauder comes and turns her world upside down. And he has some secrets of his own.
1. Primum Anno

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except for Avalyn and her story. The rest belongs to J.K. Rowling, sadly.**

**A.N. Please note that this does not follow J.K. Rowling's exact story line.**

**Snape is not Lily's friend in this, so please know that before you read. **

**Enjoy :)**

Chapter 1: Primum Anno

I sighed as I looked between the two signs; Platform 9 and Platform 10, with nothing in between. Was this someone's idea of a joke? Send an 11 year old a letter saying she's a witch and she has to go to a seemingly nonexistent platform in-between 9 and 10?

"Are you alright, dear?" said a cheerful voice from behind me. I forced a smile onto my face and turned around.

"Oh yes, of course." I said brightly, staring up at the woman in front of me. She looked very nice. She was rather large, but in a pleasant, motherly way. Her curly red hair bounced around her as she hurried towards me. She looked concerned for me.

"Where are your parents?" she asked. "Oh, never mind that; we can talk later. Where are you going? Are you lost?" she crouched down in front of me, so that her kind brown eyes were level with my amber ones. She looked down at my hands and spotted the Hogwarts letter I was clutching. Her expression softened when she realized I was looking for Platform 9 ¾.

"You're a Hogwarts girl, aren't you? First year, I assume?" she laughed, standing up. I nodded quickly and followed her when she walked towards the platforms. "So is my Lily. See, she's just over there with her father." There were two girls and a man standing behind the woman. I hadn't noticed them until now, but now that I looked it was blatantly obvious that the smallest girl was going to Hogwarts. She had bright red hair, green eyes, and pale skin, along with a glowing smile. She was obviously proud to be going here, unlike me.

My train of thought was broken when the woman shouted "Lily!" The girl raced over, pulling her suitcase after her. "How did you say you get onto the platform?" she asked. "Lily has a wizard friend in our neighborhood who told us all about Hogwarts. It sounds delightful." She sighed. "I wish I could have been a witch. I would have loved to have gone there myself." She looked lost in thought for a moment, before snapping out of it and turning towards Lily. "Well… I guess this is it." She said with tears in her eyes. "I don't think I'll be let through the barrier. Goodbye Lily!" she cried, swooping her daughter into her arms and kissing allover her face. "I'll miss you!"

"Mom!" Lily laughed, wiping her face. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." She pulled herself out of her mother's grip to run and hug her father, and another I presumed to be her sister. The other girl pulled away, looking disgusted. Lily smiled, but I could see the hurt in her eyes. The woman turned to me.

"I never introduced myself!" she laughed, taking my hand and pulling me over to her family. "I'm Emily Evans. This is my husband Harold, and our daughters Petunia, and of course Lily." She smiled, looking at me fondly. I wasn't used to this kind of kindness; it was making me uneasy. "Where are your parents?" she asked, looking concerned.

"They had to go to work. We said goodbye a few minutes before you arrived. "I lied, smiling nicely. Lily hugged her mother and father again, before grabbing my hand and running at the wall. I screamed and tried to stop, but she pulled me through. I gasped when we appeared on the other side, in another train station. There were people everywhere, all carrying magical things. Laughter rung through the air, along with loud goodbyes and cries from parents sending their children off. I felt a twinge of jealousy every time I saw a parent hugging their child. We began to walk towards the train; me following behind Lily blindly. She suddenly stopped before getting on the train, and turned to me.

"Where's your stuff?" she asked, concerned. I shrugged. I didn't feel like explaining my entire life story to this girl I had just met.

"My family doesn't have any money. The headmaster and I already worked it out." I lied, starting to walk again. Her eyes narrowed, and I could tell she didn't fully believe me, but she let it go and stepped onto the train.

"So you never told me your name." she said sweetly. I couldn't help but smile when I saw her hopeful expression.

"Avalyn Kendall" I laughed.

"I have this weird feeling like we're going to be really good friends." She said seriously, looking into my eyes. I couldn't help but agree; Lily Evans was unlike anyone I had ever met; and even though I had only known her for a few minutes it felt like we had been friends for years. I nodded happily and smiled at her, glad to have made a friend so quickly. We sat in comfortable silence for a few seconds, until we were distracted by noise in the hallway.

The door was thrown open and four boys tumbled in and quickly slammed the door behind them. They were panting, and fell onto the open seats. After a few minutes of Lily and me silently sitting there, one stood up. He had messy black hair and round glasses, and was quite tall and skinny. He smiled at us and stuck out his hand. "I'm James Potter. And you are?" I smiled back, and went to shake his hand, but stopped when Lily elbowed me in the ribs. She was glaring at him, and his confidence seemed to waver under her intense stare.

"Why are you here?" she snapped, her eyes narrowing to slits. The other three jumped up and turned to us when they heard her shrill voice. The one behind James had long wavy black hair, and was quite handsome. He smirked when he caught me staring, and I blushed and quickly looked away.

"I'm Sirius." He said nervously, slightly cowering when Lily turned her eyes towards him. She looked at the other two boys, and the short, chubby one whimpered and turned around, but the last stood his ground held his hand out politely. He had shaggy blond hair, and dark brown eyes.

"I'm Remus Lupin, and that is Peter." He said, pointing the cowering boy behind him. "I've just met him, but I can tell he's a bit shy. I apologize for our rude actions. James and Sirius have already broken the rules and dragged Peter and I along with them running away from the teachers. I am very sorry to ask this, but may we stay in the compartment for the remainder of the ride?." He said calmly, giving us a small smile. Lily's mouth dropped open; she had obviously not been expecting him to be that polite. "I- uh- I… ya, sure." She stuttered, surprised. I sat back down next to Lily, and the boys sat across from us.

"So what are your names?" Sirius asked, winking at me. I rolled my eyes. "I'm Avalyn, and this is Lily." I said, pointing to her. She nodded, and glared at James when he complimented her name.

For the next few hours we made small talk, and I found out that I really enjoyed being friends with lily. She was nice, smart, and seemed like she would be a genuinely good friend. I also noticed that she got mad easily, especially at James. After talking to him for only one hour, she had already decided that he was an arrogant pig and that she hated him. I couldn't disagree with her, though. He did seem to be annoyingly arrogant. Sirius was a bit annoying, too. He seemed to know that he was handsome, and used it. Peter never talked once, but I could tell that we probably wouldn't end up friends. There was something creepy about him that I did not like at all. Remus was very nice, though. He was nice, respectful, and seemed truly interested when I talked about muggle schools and what we learned. He was fascinated by my science class and the experiments I told him about.

"Come on, Avalyn. We should go get our robes on." Said Lily, standing up and starting to exit the compartment. I blushed and lowered my head when I realized that I had no robes. I had nothing; just the dirty clothes I was wearing.

"Um…I don't have any robes, Lily. I'll have to get some when we get to school. " I said quietly, ignoring the boys' questioning looks. She laughed.

"Oh, nonsense. I bet we're the same size. Come on, you can borrow a pair of mine." She said kindly, leading me out of the compartment. We changed quickly and finished just as the train came to stop at the station.

We followed the crowd of first years and gasped when we realized we were getting to the school by boat. We rowed for a while and talked about what we wanted to do at school. My sentence was cut short when Hogwarts came into view. I heard gasps all around me as the castle became visible; it looked so magical. Like something out of a fairytale. Of course, growing up as a muggle, this was exactly like a fairytale. We hurried out of our boats to try to be at the front of the line. A professor named McGonagall led us into the Great hall, which was amazing. The ceiling looked to be a real sky, stars and all.

James, Sirius, Peter, Remus, and Lily were sorted into Gryffindor, and it was my turn. I jumped when my name was called, then hurried up to the stool and placed the hat on my head.

_Hmm this is a hard one. You are brave, like Gryffindor, but smart like Ravenclaw. But your traumatic pasts suggest you would prosper in Slytherin. I don't know what to do with you._

I sat there nervously for at least 5 minutes waiting for the hat to decide. The school was staring at me with wonder; the hat had never taken this long to decide. Finally after what seemed like hours of silence, it shouted "GRYFFINDOR!" Everyone clapped and cheered, and I could see Lily waving me over to sit next to her. I happily hopped off the stage and sat down. I gasped as the best looking food I had ever seen appeared on the table.

Maybe Hogwarts wouldn't be as bad as I thought.

**A.N. Note, next chapter will be years from now. I just put this in to show how all the characters met to make the story easier to understand. Please note again that this will not follow J.K. Rowling's plot for the Marauders. I hope you liked it! Please please please please please review!**


	2. Quinque Annis Post

Chapter 2: Quinque Annis Post

(Five Years Later)

"Go out with me Evans?"

Lily responded by holding her middle finger up at him as we walked by. She had rejected him at least 10 times this year, and we were only a week in. We were in 6th year, now. It seemed like yesterday that I had come to Hogwarts. Five years passed by so quickly.

"You should really give him a chance, Lil" I said, laughing at the mad expression on her face. "You'll never know until you try."

"James Potter is an arrogant pig, and I will never in my life date him. Ever." She huffed, stalking away from me. As much as I loved Lily, she definitely had a temper. I laughed again and continued to walk to the library to write my history of magic essay. I found an empty table in the back corner and pulled out my work.

_God, I hate history of magic_. I thought as I continued to work on my essay. 2 hours passed, and I barely had a paragraph done. _Great. At this pace, I'll be done by Christmas._

When would I ever need to know this stuff? When I'm out of school, it's not gonna matter if I know what year the Goblin's revenge was. I sighed and tried to concentrate, but was soon distracted by commotion at the front of the library. An explosion, followed by voice yelling, which I soon recognized to be McGonagall.

"JAMES POTTER AND SIRIUS BLACK! HOW DARE YOU CAUSE THIS DESTRUCTION, AND IN THE LIBRARY NO LESS!" As she continued to shriek, I giggled and glanced at Remus, who was sitting next to James, leaning back in his chair and looking very amused by the situation. We made eye contact, and both burst out into laughter. The look on McGonagall's face was just too funny.

"DETENTION IN MY OFFICE! NOW!" she screamed, and stalked out of the door, followed by James and Sirius, both looking very sulky. With the entertainment gone, I sighed and tried to return to my essay.

"Need help?" I jumped and turned around when I heard a voice next to my ear, and found myself inches away from Remus's face. He blinked and moved away, blushing slightly. "Sorry. You looked like you were struggling." He mumbled.

"It's fine, Remus." I laughed. "And yes, I actually do need help. You any good at history of Magic?" He smirked at my question. "You're right. Stupid question; of course you are. You're Remus Lupin; you're good at everything." I grinned.

"I have a proposition for you." He stated, his face turning serious. I nodded, encouraging him to continue. "Muggle studies is the only subject I have yet to find that I am not amazing at,"

"Arrogant, much?" I snorted, interrupting him. He glared and continued what he was saying.

"So I will tutor you in History of Magic if you tutor me in Muggle Studies. Does that sound okay?" he asked. I nodded.

"Sure, that would be amazing, Remus. I would love to tutor you. When should we meet?" He thought for a second before answering.

"How about every other night, starting tomorrow?" I nodded my approval. "In the boy's dormitory, then? Obviously I can't get to yours." I nodded again, before looking at the clock.

"I gotta go meet Lily, ok? I'll see you tomorrow." I said as I gathered my stuff and walked to the tree by the lake. I was met by Lily's annoyed face.

"What took you so long? We were supposed to meet ten minutes ago?" she asked.

"Sorry, Lil." I smiled apologetically. "I was talking to Remus Lupin. We agreed to tutor each other." She dropped the books she was gathering and turned to me in shock.

"What?" she shrieked. "But he's friends with James!" I cringed and backed away as she glared at me.

"He's nice, Lily. You don't have to talk to James at all, I promise. Her expression immediately softened, and she resumed gathering her books off the ground.

"I'm sorry. I've just had a bad day. James has been following me everywhere. But on the upside, they're serving our favorite chocolate cake for dessert tonight!" she squealed, the bright smile returning to her face and lighting up her eyes. We both laughed and linked arms to walk back to the castle.

**Please please please please please please please please please please review!**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm gonna try to update as soon as possible, but I have school so it might take a while. I promise within the next few days. Thanks for reading!  
Love,**

**Avalyn :)**


	3. Memorias

Chapter 3: Memorias

(Memories)

"What should we start with?" I asked as I spread my books over the table. Remus and I were sitting at the table in the boy's dormitory for our tutoring session.

"History of Magic, I guess." He said, shrugging. "Get the boring subject over with first." I nodded and he opened the text book to quiz me.

"What is the name of the device that muggles use talk to each other over long distances?" I asked, yawning. Muggle studies is really boring for muggle-borns. We had finished History of Magic an hour ago, and I was quizzing him for his test on electronic devices tomorrow.

"Cell phone." He said, stretching his arms above his head. He suddenly moved his hand up to my face, and I flinched away. "I was going to move a stray piece of hair out of your face…" he said, giving me a questioning look. I blushed and looked down, scooting away from him.

"Sorry, habit." I said, before I could stop myself.

"Habit? What do you-" he started, but I cut him off and collected my books.

"Well, I'll see you on Wednesday. Same time." I mumbled, and raced out the door, nearly dropping all my stuff in the process.

That could have gone better… I thought as I brushed my teeth. He had come to close to figuring out my secret. I sighed and got into bed, my thoughts so wrapped up in Remus that I forgot to take my dreamless sleep draught.

"_Daddy!" I cried, running into his arms. My seven year old self giggled as he wrapped his arms around me and spun me around. He stopped when our doorbell rang, and set me down to answer it. I followed him to the door and peeked around the corner when he opened the door. A man in a police uniform was standing there, with something clasped tightly in his hand._

"_Are you Jonathon Kendall?" he asked stiffly, with a look in his eyes I couldn't quite place. I now know it to be pity, but I wasn't smart enough to see that then. My father nodded suspiciously and shifted his weight so he was standing evenly on both feet, as if ready to jump into action instantly if needed. _

"_I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but your wife Elizabeth died yesterday morning in a plane crash." He said, his voiced laced with pity and sadness. It must be hard to be the one to tell people these things. I, being seven years old, didn't get what he meant. I didn't think my mother could be dead. I mean, I saw her yesterday at the airport. She was coming home tomorrow, there was no way. It wasn't possible._

"_This was found in the wreckage, sir." He held out his hand and dropped whatever he was holding into my father's. "I'm sorry for your loss." He watched sadly as my father stared down at the thing in his hand, before kicking the wall and running out of the room. The officer sighed and turned o walk away, but I ran to the door and tugged on the back of his shirt. _

"_Where's my mommy?" I asked him, still holding on to his shirt. He crouched down in front of me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as he tried to comfort me._

"_She's in heaven now, sweetie." He said, and a single tear fell down his face and dripped onto his shirt. It was then when I finally realized what he had meant… My mom wasn't coming back tomorrow. Or ever. She was dead. I gasped and tears streamed down my face, and the officer hugged me lightly until me tears calmed. He walked me inside my house, and then left, shutting the door behind him. And for the first time, I knew what it felt like to be alone. I could hear my father's sobs from his bedroom, so I quietly wandered up the stairs and into his room. He was lying face down on his bed. I crawled up next to him and hugged him. _

"_It's ok, daddy. Mommy's in heaven now." I murmured, surprising myself,. When had I gotten this mature? He shoved me off of him roughly and I fell to the floor. I cowered as he stood above me, his shadow blocking out all light. I tried to say consoling things, but nothing worked. His eyes were filled with emotion; mostly sadness, but there was a spark of anger in them that scared me. I scrambled back until I hit the wall as he advanced on me. _

_He was deathly still for a moment, and I held my breath in anticipation of what he would do. Suddenly, he was a flurry of motion. I saw his legs and arms lash out, and wondered what he was doing, until I registered the pain. He repeatedly kicked and punched me, angrily muttering words I could not make out. I sat there, frozen in shock, like a rag doll being thrown around as his fist connected with my cheek and his foot with my ribs._

_I don't know how long he continued; it could have been hours or minutes, I didn't know. All I could think about was the pain I was feeling everywhere in my body. Then, just as suddenly as he started, he stopped. He backed away from me, before crumpling to sobbing heap on the ground. The last thing I remember before passing out, was the necklace he was holding. It was the thing the officer handed him. It was gold, and had two loops connected with each other, a symbol of forever. I reached out feebly and grabbed it from his grip, (he was crying too much to notice) and tucking it into my pocket, then the world faded to black. _

I gasped and reached for the necklace around my neck as I remembered my dream. I did not cry, though; I had not cried since that day when I was seven. Crying showed emotions; weakness. And I was not weak. I clutched the cool metal necklace in my palm, relishing the last reminder of my mother that I had left. I heard the shower turn off, and quickly put a smile on my face as Lily walked into the room, drying her hair with a towel.

"How did you sleep?" she asked, rummaging through her trunk for clothes. I smiled and got out of my bed and headed towards the bathroom.

"Fine." I said, laughing. " I had a funny dream though. It was about Dumbledore becoming a ballerina." She laughed at the mental image, and I closed the bathroom door, glad I had fooled her. Lily was usually the only one who could see through my façade.

I turned on the shower, but didn't get in. Instead I put the toilet seat down and sat on it, and pulled a small razor blade out from my hiding spot under the sink. I cut a neat line on my wrist, not deep enough to do much damage, but deep enough to cause me pain. I needed that pain, to take away the numbness. I sighed as I cut another, then another, then another.

I stopped myself before I got out of control, and settled for watching the blood pour down my arm. It looked like a work of art, like a painting. The red of the blood stood out from the pale, delicate skin of my wrist. I smiled as I watched it; this always made me feel better, as sick as it may seem. I sighed again, but this time a sigh of contentment, as the crimson liquid fell in drops onto the floor.


	4. Prope Oscula

Chapter 4: Prope Oscula

(The almost kiss)

"Ava! Wake up! You missed breakfast!" shouted Lily, shaking me. I opened my eyes blearily and looked around. The world became clearer, and I cursed as my brain began to work and I registered what Lily had said. I jumped up and shrugged on my robes, before running into the bathroom. I quickly washed my face and ran a brush through my hair. My hair was the only thing I really liked about myself. It was shiny and straight, and fell to my waist in soft, black layers.

I went to open the door to leave, but froze when I caught sight of my wrist. I had four fresh, deep cuts from the night before, along with the many scars from previous years. There was still dried blood crusted on my arm; I had fallen asleep before I got a chance to clean it off.

I winced as I gently put my arm under the faucet. The hot water stung the large cuts and I bit my lip to stop from crying out. I patted my arm dry, and applied a glamour charm to cover it up from anyone else. I had set up my glamour to connect with my necklace. The one that belonged to my mother. An hour before the glamour would wear off, the necklace would heat up, and flash slightly. It was only noticeable if you were looking for it. During class, whenever the charm would begin to wear off, I would just recast it silently. I prided myself in that I could do wordless magic; most couldn't until at least seventh year.

Lily knocking on the door broke my train of thought, and I exited the bathroom and followed her down to the common room. I had missed breakfast, but there was still 20 minutes until classes started. I spotted Remus with the other marauders, and went to sit with him. I had left so quickly the previous night that I hadn't gotten a chance to ask him about a question on the homework I needed help with. I just hoped he had forgotten what I said.

"Hey Ava. Looking pretty sexy today." said Sirius, flashing a charming smile as I sat down. He scooted over and threw his arm around my shoulder. I glared and shrugged his arm off before turning to Remus.

"I had a question about the history of Magic homework." I said brightly. I was trying to act happy, like nothing was wrong, and apparently it was working because he flashed a genuine smile at me before standing up.

"I have to get to potions, actually. I need to ask about the essay before class. Can we meet after school at the tree?" he said, looking apologetic. I nodded and waved Lily over as he walked away.

"Looks like you and Moony are going on a date" said James, waggling his eyebrows. Sirius laughed and joined in

"Avalyn and Remus sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" he sang. I waited until they were done laughing, and glared as they were catching their breath.

"Are you done?" I asked calmly. They nodded, still breathing heavily from their laughter. "There is nothing going on between Remus and I. We're study partners." They began to laugh again, but James quickly stopped when Lily glared at him. Sometimes I was glad she was his weakness; she could make him shut up when he was being annoying. Sirius stopped laughing when he realized that James had, and shrugged.

"Whatever you say!" he taunted as I stood up. "I think you would make a cute couple. He needs someone like you." I was about to leave, but stopped when I heard the genuine tone of Sirius's voice. I turned back to him, and noticed the sincerity, and slight concern in his eyes. I glared again, although this time gentler, and walked away, dragging Lily behind me.

Bdbdbdbdbdbdbdbddbd

"I hate homework!" I yelled, throwing the book down next to me. Remus laughed and picked it up, then closing it and standing up "What are you doing?" I asked confusedly, looking up at him. I squinted to see him because of the sun, and barely made out a mischievous smile on his face before I was yanked up from my spot under the tree.

I screamed and struggled, but his strong arms were locked around me. I turned my head to see where we were going, and gasped when I realized where Remus was running. "Don't you dare!" I warned, but he just smiled. I gasped when the water hit me. It was very cold, and immediately chilled me to the bone. I came up to the surface spluttering, my soaking hair plastered to my face. Remus was doubled over laughing, not looking at me. I took the opportunity to quickly reach up and yank his arm, causing him to tumble into the water on top of me.

The look on his face was priceless when we surfaced; a mixture of shock and humor. I burst out laughing, gasping for air as I tried to stay afloat. Remus shot a confused look at me, which just caused me to laugh harder. Eventually he joined in, and we laughed until we couldn't breathe.

I caught my breath and looked up at Remus, only to find that his face was inches from my own. His eyes met mine, and I felt a spark of something I had never felt before. I could feel his breath on my cheek and smell his cologne, an intoxicating mixture of pine and musk. I breathed in deeply and smiled as the aroma invaded my senses. He inched closer, his lips only centimeters away from mine.

"MR. LUPIN! MS. KENDALL!" shouted a voice, breaking us out of our reverie. I jumped back from Remus, and quickly swam towards the shore, blushing. I could hear him doing the same behind me.

"Sorry professor." I said, quietly, gathering up our books and stuffing it into my bag.

"No swimming allowed in the lake. Detention, both of you. My office, tomorrow night." She said grumpily, before turning her back and stocking back up to the castle. I giggled and turned to Remus, smiling slightly.

"See you tomorrow?" I said, blushing. I avoided his eyes and stared at my shoes.

"Yes, tomorrow." Satisfied with his answer, I quickly threw my bag over my shoulder and ran back to the castle.


	5. I Iustus Non Credere

Chapter 5: I Iustus Non Credere

The next two weeks flew by in a haze of homework and tests. I was stressed and moody, and everyone noticed.

"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Lily asked, frustrated. I had refused to tell her what was bothering me, and it was visibly driving her insane. I looked sat her desperate face, and decided to put her out of her misery.

"It's Remus." I mumbled. She looked at me incredulously. "We almost kissed."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?" she ran from her bed and jumped onto mine, nearly crushing me in the process.

"At our study session. We almost kissed, but McGonagall interrupted us." I sighed, flopping back onto my bed. Lily smiled radiantly. This was the first time I had been interested in a boy in, well… forever. I don't do relationships. Lily is the only person I had ever gotten close to, besides my mother, and even she didn't know a lot about me. Relationships mean trust, and I don't trust.

"So, what's the problem?" she laughed

"He's avoiding me." I said, picking at the bedspread.

"Oh, I can see how that would bother you…" she frowned. "So just corner him, and tell him you want to date. Problem solved." That was one thing about Lily I hated. She had so much confidence; she could strike up a conversation with anyone. When she walked down the halls you could almost see the confidence oozing off of her. I think that one of the reasons James likes her so much. She also seems to forget that not everyone is as outgoing as her.

"See, that's the problem, Lil. I don't want to date him. I just want to be friends! But I can't tell him that if he won't even acknowledge me." I mumbled. Lily gasped overdramatically.

"But I thought you like him!" she yelled. I flinched and averted my eyes.

"I do, but I don't want to date him." I whispered. She seemed to notice my quietness, and looked at me with concern.  
"Why not?" she asked gently. "We're 16! What's wrong with dating? You need to have some fun, Ava."

"I don't want to date, ok?" I said, my voice getting louder.

"Why not?" she yelled, chucking a pillow angrily at the floor; her infamous temper kicking in. "You never tell me anything! Why don't you trust me?"

"It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust." I said quietly, closing the curtains around my bed. I could hear her tears from her bed, and felt like crying myself. But crying is a weakness. And I am not weak.

Bdbdbdbdbdbdbdbddbd

"Hi Lily." I said, sitting down. I grabbed a piece of bacon and turned towards her, hoping that she wasn't mad about last night. But knowing her, she probably was. She glared and turned back to her conversation with Alice.

I sighed and moved down to sit with the Marauders instead, since I was clearly not welcome by Lily. Remus stiffly avoided my gaze when I sat down, and scooted as far as possible away from me. James smiled apologetically at me, but he, Peter, and Sirius still followed Remus, leaving me alone in the middle of the table.

I threw down the remainder of my bacon, and exited the hall. I wasn't very hungry anymore.

**REMUS POV**

"So, why exactly are we avoiding Avalyn?" asked Sirius, stuffing a bite of pancake into his mouth. I sighed and looked over to Avalyn. She was sitting alone where we had just left her. She suddenly threw down her bacon and left the hall, her long hair swishing behind her. I feel bad for ignoring her, really. But it's just something that has to be done.

"Because I'm attracted to her" I mumbled, picking at my food. "I can't get involved, you know that."

"You need to let yourself be happy, Moony. You can't keep torturing yourself like this." Said James, looking at me with concern. I hate it when they act like this. I don't want pity. I shook my head and got up to leave.

"I'll see you in potions."

They know I don't do relationships. I won't put an innocent girl through that. Plus, relationships need truth, and I wouldn't be able to tell her my secret. She would be so disgusted if she found out I'm a werewolf. I would be too. I am disgusting. I don't deserve someone like her.

That day by the lake scared me. I have never really felt anything for girls, but there was an undeniable spark between us that I can't ignore. But I have to, to keep everyone around me safe. I can't get involved.

I sighed and sat down at my desk in potions. I would have to cancel my study sessions with Avalyn.

"Something wrong, Mr. Lupin?" Slughorn stood behind me, a knowing look on his face. He was probably contributing my bad mood as it being close to full moon. I realized with a start that I had been so busy thinking about Avalyn that I forgot the full moon was tomorrow night. I smiled grimly at him and nodded.

"Alright class, I have a new assignment for you. You will be working in partners to create your own potion. It can be anything you want it to be. Turn to page 394 and you will find more detailed instructions. I will assign your partners now." said Slughorn happily.

"Alice Moresque and Frank Longbottom"

"James Potter and Jonathon Creevey"

"Lily Evans and Henry Morris"

"Peter Pettigrew and Andrea Boils"

"Heather Spinnet and Olivia King"

"Arianna Henson and Jordan Hill"

"Sirius Black and Avalyn Kendall" I was relieved not to be paired with Avalyn, but still felt a twinge of jealous at the thought of her and Sirius alone together.

"Remus Lupin and Benjamin Patil"

Benjamin Patil was a small Indian boy with short hair. Though very smart, he was not very social. I had noticed he was very shy and didn't like to talk to anyone.

"So, what kind of potion should we make?" I asked kindly, getting out a scroll and quill.

"well…" he said shyly, "I've always thought a potion that shows your desires would be cool. What I mean is, something that maybe shows what you desire most in the entire world." His idea surprised me. Though not very academically helpful, that potion was very cool and would earn us a good grade if we managed to create it.

"That's's a great idea! Let's get started." I said happily; I was actually very excited at the prospect of creating my own potion. I felt eyes on me, and turned around, only to lock eyes with Avalyn. I quickly looked away, ignoring he hurt that flashed over her face.

Yes, it was definitely better for all of us for me to stay away.


	6. Nihil Ego Levavi Manum Meam Ut

Chapter 6: Nihil Ego Levavi Manum Meam Ut

I sighed and got up from the couch; there was no point to sitting alone in the common room. Going to bed would be better. I was halfway to the stairs when a warm hand gently gripped my arm, stopping me.

"Avalyn, can we talk?" Remus was standing rigidly, his eyes nervously darting in every direction to avoid meeting mine. I nodded, and we sat down on the nearest couch. "I'm not looking for a relationship." He mumbled. I nudged him, and he finally looked up, his brown eyes meeting my amber ones. His eyes were very dark brown, almost black. On anyone else they might look creepy, but on Remus they didn't look bad at all. Quite the contrary, actually; they gave him an innocent puppy dog look that made me want to melt.

I smiled when I processed what he had said. I was glad he didn't want me. This whole thing would be a lot easier if the agreement was mutual. "Ok." I said. Remus blinked in surprise. He had obviously expected this to be a lot harder than it actually was.

"Oh, um, ok then." He laughed nervously. "Friends?" he asked, holding his hand out for me to shake. I took it firmly and shook, nodding.

"Friends." He smiled and nodded his head towards the marauders, who waved at me from the couch.

"Do you want to sit with us, then?" he asked. I nodded a followed him to the couch. Sirius and James smiled widely at me, and Peter just glanced nervously before returning to his book. I smiled back happily and sat down.

"So, what are you boys up to?" I asked. They exchanged looks with a mischievous glint in their eyes.

"How do we know we can trust you?" asked James.

"You don't." I shrugged. They exchanged looks again, and nodded, as if agreeing on something.

"We'll tell you, but only after you go through initiation." said Sirius mischievously. I narrowed my eyes… initiation? Knowing them it would be something that would get me expelled. Sirius saw my suspiciousness and smiled. "Don't worry, it's nothing _too_ bad. Just meet us here at midnight." I was still suspicious, but I nodded anyway. They bid me goodnight and went up to their dormitory. I felt a pang of guilt in my chest when I thought about going without Lily… but it was her fault we were fighting, right? She knows I'm a guarded person. What right does she have to push?

_ She's you best friend…_ A small voice in my head reminded me. I pushed the thought out of my mind. She didn't need to know about that part of me. She wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore if she found out. Why would she want to be friends with some creep that has sex with her father? Granted, it wasn't consensual, but she wouldn't understand. Nobody would.

I sighed and rubbed my wrists. I had let the glamour charm wear off, since the common room was empty. There were scars upon scars crisscrossed up the length of both arms and legs, along with the many scars from beatings I had received. The biggest one stretching from my left shoulder blade to my right hip bone. I had gotten that one at one of my father's little "parties". He invited a bunch of disgusting guys over, all old and horny. They would take turns raping me. At the first of these events, I had struggled, which caused my father to attack me with a knife to subdue me. That had not been fun explaining to Madam Pomphrey. To this day she still thinks I got in a car accident over the summer.

I glanced at the clock; 11:45. I got up and went to my dormitory; quiet as to not wake up Lily and Alice. I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top, both of which had been given to me by Lily. In fact, all of the clothes in my small closet were from Lily, except for the uniforms from Professor Dumbledore. My father hadn't bought me anything for as long as I could remember, excluding food, of course. But even that I got in minimal amounts, only being fed about once a day, sometimes going without for few days at a time. I was very skinny during the summers. Luckily, I always managed to wear baggy clothes for the first few weeks of school until I had filled out a little.

I crept down to the common room, just in time for the clock to chime 12. Sure enough, there they were, looking devastatingly handsome with shirts that clung to every muscle on their defined chests.

_Remus, especially. _I thought before I could stop myself. James was the first to see me, and smiled, before nudging the other boys to go over to me. I noticed that Peter wasn't with them.

"Ready?" James grinned, pulling a silvery cloak out of his bag.

"What's that?" I asked suspiciously.

"Invisibility cloak. Don't want to get caught." They moved closer to me and James threw the cloak over us. "Sorry it's so small, we're gonna have to squish." Said James, smiling apologetically as we shuffled out of the common room. I was pressed against Remus the entire walk, and I was very aware of his hot breath on the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I ignored the feeling, though, and made no outward signs that being this close to him was affecting me.

"Where exactly are we going?" I whispered.

"The outside grounds." Sirius replied, motioning for me to stop talking. We approached the doors, and James pulled off the cloak, and took a blank, folded piece of paper out of his bag. I sent him a curious look, but he just shrugged and opened it up.

"Point your wand at it and say 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'." whispered James. I did as he said, and watched in awe as words faded onto the paper.

"What is it?" I whispered, looking up. They were all smiling proudly. "Wait a second…" I stopped, seeing the names on the front of the paper. "Those are your nicknames! Did you make this?" I looked at the cover. The Marauders map.

"Mr. Prongs would like to congratulate Miss Avalyn on being cool enough to see this map. He would also like to ask if she would tell Miss Lily that he loves her and to give him a chance, already. Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Prongs, and would like to add that Miss Avalyn is looking quite nice today, as always. Mr. Wormtail bids Miss Avalyn a short goodbye, as he does not like her very much and thinks the feelings are mutual. Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Padfoot, Miss Avalyn is very beautiful, but disagrees with Mr. Wormtail, as Miss Avalyn is a perfectly kind person, and there is nothing to dislike." I blushed and looked up, my throat tightening.

"That…"I started, unsure how to express my feelings. "That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." I finished, looking up at them. They were grinning wolfishly, and I could barely make out a pink tinge on Remus's cheeks in the low light. I opened the map, and gasped at what I saw.

"Is this where people really are right now?" I asked.

They nodded, and I practically squealed with excitement. "This is brilliant!" I said, watching the little dots on the map. There was Snape in his dungeon, Dumbledore, pacing in his office. Oh dear god, there was Lily and Alice in the dormitory, sitting on Lily's bed.

_Probably talking about me... _I thought bitterly. I shook the negative thoughts out of my mind and refocused on the map.

"So, why do we need this?" I asked as James took the map back out of my hands.

"To check for Filch. We can't get outside if he's around this part of the castle." He said practically. I nodded and watched as he checked the map. Except for our 4 dots, the area was clear.

"Mischief managed." He tapped on the map, and the words disappeared.

"Let's go." He said, starting towards the doors. We followed him, and stopped in front of the doors, which were…. Locked. Remus stepped forward and cast a complicated spell that I had never heard before. I look at him, astonished.

"We made that one up too…" he grinned sheepishly

"You guys are amazing!" I whispered. They smiled and opened the doors, and silently closing them behind us. They cast another charm on the doors, and started to laugh.

"Now nobody in the castle can hear us." James explained. I nodded, and looked over to Sirius who was laughing loudly.

"We made it!" he whooped, jumping off the steps. I laughed and followed him. This was the most fun thing I had done in a while. I would have to thank them for this later.

"So what do I have to do?" I asked, smiling.

"You have to help us with a prank we've been trying to do. There's this muggle prank we heard about, called toilet papering, where you cover everything in toilet paper. We came up with a few charms to make it last longer, too. See, the problem is, we need someone small enough to lift into the tree to get to the top." Said James, dutifully, sounding a lot like a professor.

"I'm not that small…" I frowned. Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Ava, you're like 5'5. That's pretty small." It was kinda true. Compared to them, I was short. I only came up to James's nose, and he was the shortest of the group. Excluding Peter, of course.

"Fine." I sighed. "What do I have to do?"

"Just get up on my shoulders." Sirius, being the tallest of the group at 6'4, crouched down and looked at me expectantly. I looked at him skeptically, but did as he asked. He stood up shakily, and walked to the tree by the lake. He passed a roll of toilet paper up to me.

"Just hook it onto the top branches, we can do the rest by magic." He hoisted me up into the branches, and I gripped the trunk and climbed as I as I could. I managed to loop a piece around the top branch without falling off, miraculously. I started to climb back down, but slipped and fell.

I blindly grabbed as I fell through the air, and managed to catch hold of one of the lower branches. I looked down; I wouldn't get seriously injured if I fell, but it would still hurt. I looked down, again, and was surprised to find Remus standing underneath me.

"Let go, Ava. I'll catch you, I promise." He said sincerely. I closed my eyes, and let go of my grip on the branch. I braced myself, hoping he would catch me, and was pleasantly surprised when he did. I opened my eyes, but wished I hadn't. I was crushed to his chest, my fingers tangled with the front of his robes, and his strong arms were locked tightly around my waist. His hair was mussed, and his eyes looked alive from laughter. His smell, the one that always seemed to drive me insane, invaded my senses, and it was all I could do not to melt into his embrace. Instead, I smiled stiffly, and jumped out of his arms.

"Thanks." I muttered, smoothing my shirt. He nodded briskly, and walked over to Sirius and James. I soon forgot about my problem when I saw what they had done while I as up in the tree. _Wow, wither I was up there a really long time, or they work really fast._ I thought, looking around. Every visible tree and building was covered completely in toilet paper, and there were random shreds all over the grass. It almost looked like snow. James waved his wand, and said another charm I didn't recognize. I assumed this was the one that made it permanent.

"So, how did we do?" asked Sirius, smiling at me. I laughed and nodded in approval.

"Very nice. Good work." I laughed as they bowed dramatically. Sirius even took my hand and kissed it, for good measure. "Now what?" I asked. They looked at each other for a moment, apparently deciding what to do. How they do that without speaking, I have no clue.

"Let's go swimming!" shouted James, pulling all of us towards the lake.

"What is with you people and swimming in the lake?" I muttered. They looked at me in confusion.

"Oh, never mind." I said, smiling at Remus.

"Accio a swimsuit from your room!" he shouted, pulling out his wand.

"I don't have a swimsuit." I blushed, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

"What? Why not?" asked Sirius, catching the swim shorts that were flying towards him.

"Not enough money." I muttered quietly. "Never mind. Just turn around; I'll transfigure my clothes into a suit." They turned around, and I removed my clothes and made a small pink bikini. I would feel much more comfortable in a one piece and board shorts, but I had to keep up the perfect, confident girl image. And that girl would wear a bikini. I froze when Sirius began to turn.

"Don't you dare look, Sirius. I'm naked." I warned, aiming my wand at him. He laughed, but stopped when Remus punched him in the shoulder. "Ok, I'm done. You can turn around." I said, throwing the remainder of my clothes in a pile by the base of the tree. When I turned back around, the Boys were all staring at me. James was looking at me with his mouth open, and Sirius was smirking, his eyes hungrily running up and down the length of my body. Remus looked guilty, and was unsuccessfully trying to keep his eyes on my face. I smiled nervously and crossed my arms.

"Stop it. I'm going to turn around now so you can change." I said.

"Oh, no need." Sirius said flirtatiously. "You can watch and see how big my-" I cut him off by putting a hand over his mouth. He smirked again as I sat down by the tree, my back facing them. After a few minutes, they called for me to turn around. I almost gasped aloud at the sight of them. All three of them were tan and muscular, and it was all I could do not to drool. I noticed scars along the length of Remus's chest. They didn't look bad; actually they made him look appealingly tough.

"What happened?" I asked, concerned. A hurt look momentarily passed over his face, before he smiled.

"That's a story for another time." He said, laughing. But could've sworn there was pain in his eyes, despite his smiling. "Let's go swimming."


	7. Imaginari

Chapter 7:

Imaginari

"That was the most fun I've had in a very long time." I said, collapsing on the floor. After swimming, we had snuck into the kitchens for a snack before we had to go back to the common room.

"I agree." said Sirius, sitting down next to me. He laid his head down on his hands and threw his feet onto my lap. I grimaced, but tolerated it. Actually getting to know Sirius, I realized he wasn't as bad as I initially thought. None of them were.

_Lily should really give James a chance…._ I thought, before mentally slapping myself. _Do not ruin this amazing night thinking about Lily! _

"Here you go miss. Tally has your chocolate strawberries." A little house elf tugged on my sleeve, staring at me with gigantic eyes. I thanked her, and grimaced when she started to cry. "Everyone here is so nice to Tally…" she sobbed. "Tally does not deserve your thanks!" I patted her shoulder until she stopped crying and wandered off to cook something.

I looked over at the boys, who were all trying to hold in their laughter. They were unsuccessful, and all burst out laughing at the same time, scaring most of the elves in the room. "Stop it." I scowled. "Not funny… I muttered, biting into a strawberry.

"So funny!" James gasped, clutching his stomach. "You should have seen your expression when she started to cry…" his laughter interrupted his speaking.

"So, congratulations." Said Sirius, turning Serious. (No pun intended). "You are now the first ever official mauraderette!" he smiled, and presented me with an imaginary award. I bowed and took it graciously, making Remus laugh.

"I'm gonna go use the loo." said James, standing up. Sirius went with him, and I was left sitting awkwardly alone with Remus.

"So…" I started, looking anywhere but his face. There was silence for a moment before he spoke.

"Has lily said anything lately about liking James?" he asked. I smiled, happy for something to talk about. Even better, something that didn't personally involve me.

"Well, Lily and I aren't really talking right now," I said. Remus looked curious but allowed me to continue. "I think if he just stops asking her out then she'll start to like him."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yep. That's kinda how Lily is. She wants what she can't have." He nodded, looking gracious. James would probably greatly appreciate the information. I finally looked up to meet Remus's eyes. We both froze, staring at each other. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him. This attraction scared me… I had only been friends with him for a short amount of time, I shouldn't feel like this! But as much as I tried to deny it, there was something there. I had no idea if Remus felt it or not… but I was undeniably attracted to him. I fancied him, even. Imagine that.

"Remus, i-" we were cut off by James and Sirius loudly barging back into the room. I realized I was sitting a little too close for comfort to Remus, and jumped backwards and slid down to sit against the wall. I couldn't let myself get close to Remus. Getting close to people means getting hurt.

"That was the most fun I've had in a very long time." I said, collapsing on the floor. After swimming, we had snuck into the kitchens for a snack before we had to go back to the common room.

"I agree." said Sirius, sitting down next to me. He laid his head down on his hands and threw his feet onto my lap. I grimaced, but tolerated it. Actually getting to know Sirius, I realized he wasn't as bad as I initially thought. None of them were.

_Lily should really give James a chance…._ I thought, before mentally slapping myself. _Do not ruin this amazing night thinking about Lily! _

"Here you go miss. Tally has your chocolate strawberries." A little house elf tugged on my sleeve, staring at me with gigantic eyes. I thanked her, and grimaced when she started to cry. "Everyone here is so nice to Tally…" she sobbed. "Tally does not deserve your thanks!" I patted her shoulder until she stopped crying and wandered off to cook something.

I looked over at the boys, who were all trying to hold in their laughter. They were unsuccessful, and all burst out laughing at the same time, scaring most of the elves in the room. "Stop it." I scowled. "Not funny… I muttered, biting into a strawberry.

"So funny!" James gasped, clutching his stomach. "You should have seen your expression when she started to cry…" his laughter interrupted his speaking.

"So, congratulations." Said Sirius, turning Serious. (No pun intended). "You are now the first ever official mauraderette!" he smiled, and presented me with an imaginary award. I bowed and took it graciously, making Remus laugh.

"I'm gonna go use the loo." said James, standing up. Sirius went with him, and I was left sitting awkwardly alone with Remus.

"So…" I started, looking anywhere but his face. There was silence for a moment before he spoke.

"Has lily said anything lately about liking James?" he asked. I smiled, happy for something to talk about. Even better, something that didn't personally involve me.

"Well, Lily and I aren't really talking right now," I said. Remus looked curious but allowed me to continue. "I think if he just stops asking her out then she'll start to like him."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yep. That's kinda how Lily is. She wants what she can't have." He nodded, looking gracious. James would probably greatly appreciate the information. I finally looked up to meet Remus's eyes. We both froze, staring at each other. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him. This attraction scared me… I had only been friends with him for a short amount of time, I shouldn't feel like this! But as much as I tried to deny it, there was something there. I had no idea if Remus felt it or not… but I was undeniably attracted to him. I fancied him, even. Imagine that.

"Remus, i-" we were cut off by James and Sirius loudly barging back into the room. I realized I was sitting a little too close for comfort to Remus, and jumped backwards and slid down to sit against the wall. I couldn't let myself get close to Remus. Getting close to people means getting hurt.


	8. Tandem

Chapter 8:

Tandem

"Hey Lily!" said James as we walked by her. She was gathered in a group of giggling girls, and pointedly avoided eye contact with me. As much as I hated to fight with her, I had to admire her ability to hold a grudge.

"No, James, I won't go out with you." She said, rolling her eyes. Her friends giggled loudly and she smiled at them. James, taking my advice, just shrugged.

"I wasn't asking. I have a girlfriend, so…" he said, smirking. Her smile immediately dropped and she looked shocked.

"You- I-… what?" she stuttered, trying to cover up her surprise. She quickly lost her shocked expression and covered up with a tight smile. "I mean, that's great. What's her name?"

"Arianna Henson. You know her, right?" James asked, smirking. He was obviously enjoying this. Those two were made for each other. Lily nodded and turned back to her friends, looking curiously sad, and a little jealous.

James smiled widely as we walked away, and I gave him a thumbs-up. "She'll be begging for you in no time. Just wait." I said, poking him on the arm. He laughed and agreed as we separated to go to our seats in potions.

"Hey Sirius." I greeted quietly as Slughorn walked into the room. "Have you been thinking about what potion we want to make?" To my surprise, he nodded eagerly.

"I thought we could create a potion that reproduces memories. A bit like a pensieve, but it just projects whatever memory you want to show in the air. Like a little movie." He stated, looking extremely proud of himself. And I had to admit, I was pretty proud of him too. I never thought he could come up with something so clever.

"That's a really good idea, Sirius." I said happily, and he grinned. "Let's start working as soon as possible!" he thought for a moment before responding.

"My dorm, tonight." He decided. I nodded and turned my attention to Professor Slughorn.

Weeks passed by, and I was happier than I had been in a very long time. The marauders were my best friends, excluding Peter, of course, and I found myself opening up to them more than I ever thought possible.

James was making good progress with Lily. She was getting increasingly jealous every time he mentioned dating Arianna. I could tell she was going to snap soon.

Our potions project was going great. Sirius was far smarter than he got credit for. He did most of the work, mostly because I couldn't understand half of the things we had to do to make our potion. Sirius was my best friend. He was just so nice and understanding. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he told me he was gay.

And last but not least, Remus. Remus was..., well…. He was Remus. He still had beautiful brown eyes that drew me in, and a smile that made me want to melt. There was still electricity every time we touched, though we both ignored it. He was still nice, and kind and I still wanted him. But I couldn't have him. I couldn't fall in love. Everything that falls gets broken.

"James!" screamed Lily, stopping us in the hall. "I just talked to Arianna." She panted, catching up to us. She drew her hair behind her and took a deep breath before continuing. "she said you two weren't dating."

"We just broke up." James smirked. "Why?"

"I was just wondering…" Lily said quietly. "so, you're never gonna ask me out again, huh?"

"Well, what's the point if I know you're just going to say no?" James replied easily, smiling sadly. The corner of Lily's lips twitched, and she stepped closer to James, who smiled uneasily.

"So you're never going to make another move on me? You're never going to kiss me?" she smirked. James looked confused.

"Kiss you? Well, no…" he said.

"Then… can I kiss you?" she whispered, moving her face so it was only a few inches from his. James nodded, shocked, and I exchanged surprised glances with Remus and Sirius.

In one movement, Lily crashed her lips onto James', and he flipped her around so she was pressed against the wall. She immediately latched her legs around his waist, and I flushed at the moans she was omitting. Their lips moved against each other's smoothly, like they were made for each other. We backed away to give them some privacy.

"Did that just happen?" Sirius laughed, flopping down onto the couch in the common room. Remus joined in laughing, a look of disbelief etched onto his face.

"I told you so." I smirked, laughing along with them.

"Ava?" said Sirius, the first one to stop laughing.

"Yeah?" I panted, wiping my eyes. Remus continued to laugh.

"Why don't you talk about your family or anything like that?" he said nervously. I immediately sobered, and stiffened.

"I just don't like to talk about it." I said tensely, standing up. "I'm gonna go to bed. Tell James congratulations for me." I said quickly, dashing up the stairs.


	9. Irritum

**Thanks for reviewing!  
****awesomeness5269- It's in Latin :)**

**Now, without further ado….**

**Chapter 9**

**Irritum**

"Let's play truth!" said Sirius randomly, breaking the comfortable silence of the common room. I jumped and fell of my chair, much to the amusement of Sirius. It was about 3 in the morning, so everyone but the Marauders, Lily, and I were asleep. Lily was still mad, but tolerated me to make James happy.

They had been dating for about a week now, and were very into PDA, much to mine and Remus's displeasure. But since we were happy to see them happy, we didn't say anything. And as much as I hated to admit it, I missed Lily. A lot. I tried to talk to her multiple times but she just ignored me. A part of me was mad at her for overreacting, but the other part just really wanted my best friend back.

"I picked up this kit in Hogsmeade last trip. It comes with a set of cards you pick a question from!" said Sirius happily. To me, truth didn't really seem like his kind of game, but I shrugged with everyone else. Why not?

"Ok. Rules." He said seriously, "I put a charm on us, so you have to tell the truth. The charm will force you to blurt out as much information as possible." He smirked when everyone groaned. "I also put a charm on the dormitory doors, so nobody can leave room to avoid answering. Everyone got it?" we all nodded, and he shuffled the cards and chose one from the middle.

"The first question is…drum roll please… When was the last time you cried?" Said Sirius, dramatically drumming his hands on his legs. He shook his head in disgust. "What kind of question is that? James, you start. We'll go around clockwise."

"I cried during the summer when I thought my sister got kidnapped." James admitted, shrugging. "Turns out she was at a friend's house." Everyone nodded and looked at Lily, who blushed.

"Last week." She mumbled. James immediately looked concerned.

"Why?" he asked gently. She shook her head and shot a glare at me.

"Me and Avalyn were fighting." She muttered. "It's your turn Remus." She said, before the charm could make her say things she didn't want to.

"2 weeks ago." He said, looking ashamed. I felt a twinge of pain in my heart when I thought of Remus being in pain. What had made him cry? Remus slapped a hand over his mouth, effectively canceling out the truth charm, and turned to Sirius for his turn.

"A few days ago when I failed the potions exam." He said happily, clearly unashamed. Everyone looked at me. I suppose they were curious as to when the fearless Avalyn cried; to them it would seem out of character.

_Why did I agree to this?_ I thought bitterly. This was probably one of the stupidest decisions of my life. I wished I could leave the game, but I had signed a contract… What was I thinking?!

"I, uh…" I stuttered, avoiding the question.

"Come on, Ava. Tell us. We won't make fun of you for crying." Sirius laughed, patting me on the back. I smiled weakly and forced an answer out of my mouth.

"July 3, 1967." I mumbled, looking at the floor. The day my mother died. The group looked at me in shock, their mouths hanging wide open.

"1967?" James stuttered. "But that would make you… 7 years old! You haven't cried since you were 7?!" I nodded and played with the hem of my shirt, avoiding their questioning gazes. I shut my mouth tight and bit the inside of my lip to keep from blurting out more information.

"Ok, next question…" said Sirius, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "What is the most precious object you own and why?"

"My broom, of course, so I can play Quidditch." James grinned, high-fiving Sirius as Lily and I rolled our eyes.

"My wand so I can do magic." Said Lily happily, though I could still see her stealing glances at me; she wasn't very good at hiding it.

"Our magic mirrors." said Remus. I remember them telling me once about their three way mirrors they used to talk to each other during the holidays.

"I would have to agree with Lily; my wand so I can do magic." said Sirius. He looked to me and I gulped. Curse this game.

"My necklace, because it belonged to my mother."

"Ava… is your mother dead?" asked Remus gently. I nodded, and the whole group gasped, looking at me sympathetically.

"When did she die?" asked James. Lily slapped him hardly on the shoulder and muttered unrecognizable words under her breath, though they sounded a lot like 'no tact at all…'

"July 3, 1967." I said sadly, grasping the necklace. They looked at me, wide-eyed, putting the pieces together; the last day I cried was the day of her death.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" asked Lily.

"You never asked." I shrugged. She frowned, but didn't reply.

I motioned for Sirius to continue. He looked at me for a moment more, concerned. I smiled brightly to reassure him, and after another few seconds, he did as I asked and picked up the cards.

"What's your favorite color and why?"

"Red, because of Gryffindor!" said James. I rolled my eyes; I should have known.

"Gold." said Lily. "Same reason as James."

"Amber…" mumbled Remus. "Because it's the color of Avalyn's eyes." Sirius whistled and nudged Remus, who looked at the floor. I blushed and looked down, trying to ignore the thoughts about Remus that popped into my head.

"Blue, because it looks awesome on me." said Sirius arrogantly. Typical Sirius.

"Purple." I said happily; glad to have a question that didn't delve into my secrets. They continued to look at me, waiting for the rest of my answer. "No reason. I just like purple." I shrugged.

"Ok, next question." Said Sirius, picking a card. He pulled one out and read it, and looked up, grinning wickedly. My smile immediately faded. "Finally, a good one. It has follow up questions, too." My heart began to beat rapidly. "Have you had sex? If so, how many times and who with?" My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt nauseous. My palms began to sweat, and I felt faint.

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god _I thought frantically.

"No." said James simply, and Lily looked up in shock. I laughed quietly to myself, wondering how James would react to Lily's answer. Lily glanced nervously at James before answering.

"Once, with Jordan Hill, from Ravenclaw." She mumbled, cowering at James's furious face. James growled, but Sirius restrained him. Lily motioned frantically for Remus to go.

"No." he said, with a meaningful glance at me. I pointedly ignored his gaze and settled for looking at Sirius, waiting to hear his answer. My stomach felt sick with fright. I would have to answer soon. I wished I could just leave the game now. I cursed myself repeatedly for even doing this in the first place.

"Yes." Said Sirius, smirking. "4 times, with Arianna Henson, Anjali Procter, Macy Scarpine, and some Hufflepuff whose name I don't remember." This didn't come as a shock. Actually, that was far less than I expected. They all looked expectantly at me, but their expression was light. It was obvious they expected me to say no. I opened my mouth, but no words came out for a few seconds. When they finally did, my voice was shaky and rough.

"Yes." Remus, who had been talking to Sirius, turned around fast enough to get whiplash, his eyes wide and filled with pain. I immediately cursed myself for casing him that.

"Yes?" Lily echoed weakly, her eyes wide open in surprise. She looked angry that I hadn't told her. I nodded. "Finish the question." She said accusingly. My heart wrenched; this stupid game was going to lose me any chance I had of fixing our friendship.

"I don't know." I whispered, slapping a hand over my mouth and putting my head between my legs.

"Do you mean you've had sex so many times you can't remember how many?" asked Lily, her voice dangerously calm. My silence was as good as an answer. I could hear their gasps, and closed my eyes tight, not wanting to see their horrified expressions. I felt someone smack my arm hardly, and looked up in surprise.

"You've never even had a boyfriend!" spat James. "What kind of girl are you? I thought we were close friends! Apparently we aren't close enough for you to bother telling us you go around whoring yourself off." My entire mind filled with pain. It was all I could register; the horror and shame blocking out every reasonable thought. I looked around; James was looking at me with complete disgust, Sirius surprise, shock, and anger. I winced as Lily's eyes met my own; they were filled with anger and sadness, but most of all, broken trust. She felt I had betrayed her for not telling her this. But I didn't! This was my secret, the one thing I didn't want anyone else to know about, for this exact reason.

My heart broke when I saw Remus. His shoulders were slumped, his eyes filled with the most pain I had ever seen. He looked almost like I felt. I felt like crying for making him feel like that. I felt like killing myself. I kept my mouth shut tight; I did not want them to find out who I had been raped by. They would be even more disgusted to know that I don't know all of the men's names, either. I looked up when I realized that Lily had been yelling at me.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU!" she yelled, tears in her eyes.

I put my head in my hands and cowered down, trying to block out their angry words. The pain and humiliation… this was exactly why I never told them before. But thinking of it from their point of view, I could almost understand their anger. I would be mad too if I found out one of my best friends is secretly and slut who sleeps with dozens of men. Of course, they only heard part of the story.

"When does all this happen?" said Sirius, looking angry. "Do you sneak out of the castle and go seduce random guys in the bar?" he yelled, waving a hand in front of my face. I ignored him and stood up to go to my dormitory. There was no point in staying down here and listening to them yelling at me. I hit the barrier, and cursed, banging my fists against it. I looked over at their angry faces one more time, before smirking and walking out the portrait hole; they hadn't thought to charm it. I would just have to sleep in the hospital wing for one night.

_Maybe I should just take my father's suggestion and just kill myself._ I thought as I walked through the cold corridors. _Maybe that would be better for all of us._

"Ms. Kendall. What are you doing here? Its far past curfew." Said a surprised Madame Pomphrey, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She must have woken up from the sound of me opening the door. She must have seen the broken, desperate look in my eye, because she gestured towards a bed in the corner. I smiled thankfully and curled up on the uncomfortable hospital bed. "I get more people than you would think in here, the same as you. Not wanting to sleep in their dorms for whatever reason. I hope you work it out, whatever it is. Goodnight." She said soothingly, tucking the blankets around me and closing the curtains. I had always liked Madame Pomphrey; she had acted somewhat like the mother I craved.

Laying there, in the cold, stuff bed, I felt like a child again. Scared, broken, and alone.


	10. Torpens

**Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!**

**I got 4 reviews for chapter 9! I love you guys!**

**I promise to reply to every single review from now on. All of them. Sorry I took so long to update! I know, I know…this is a really short chapter. I promise to update really soon!**

**Hopefeather- **Thank you so much! Your review made me smile. Its reviews like yours that keep me writing :) I didn't really write the part about their potion intending to use it later on, but now that I think about it it's actually a really good idea!

**lightbabe- **I know, right? I wrote this and I'm still feeling sad for Avalyn. They really aren't being good friends, I know. But they'll work it out eventually. I've always disliked the character of Lily, so I guess I'm just taking out my anger on her character by making her bad in my story…. It'll work out before the end, though. I promise. I'm gonna hold out for a while before they find out. Suspense! Thanks for reviewing :)

**katniss12-**here you go :)

**BananaLollypop- **thank you thank you thank you 3 I know I feel bad for Avalyn too, and I'm the writer. It will get better for her eventually I promise!

**Chapter 10: **

I was woken by someone shaking my shoulder lightly. I groaned and turned over, cuddling further into the warm blankets.

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave, Ms. Kendall." said Madame Pomphrey, pursing her lips. I sat up, smiling lightly and rubbing my eyes. With a start, I remembered the events of the previous night, and the smile dropped off my face.

"Sorry." I said quietly, pulling on my shoes and walking towards the door.

"If you ever need to talk, I'm here." Pomphrey said sweetly, patting my shoulder as she walked by. I wanted so badly to run to her. Tell her everything. I wanted this to be over. But she was a teacher, and I was a student. It was her job to pretend to care. Nobody would ever really care for me. I wanted to, but I couldn't. So instead, I walked away. Just like I always did.

I walked straight up to my dormitory, skipping breakfast, and pulled the curtains shut around my bed. I laid there until it was time to go to class, before sluggishly getting out of bed and walking slowly to potions.

Filled with dread, I pushed open the door to the dungeons and sat down beside Sirius.

"Hi Sirius." I said quietly, putting my bag down. He ignored me completely, but I masked the hurt and turned away silently.

"Projects are due a week after the holidays end!" Slughorn bellowed, standing up in the front of the classroom. "Make sure you get them done!"

"You're in charge of finishing the potion. Don't mess it up." Sirius hissed, barely turning his head towards me. I nodded meekly and bit my lip to stop the sting of tears. I was not going to cry. Not now.

The rest of the day passed in a haze of sadness, not that anyone noticed. Everyone ignored me. I sat alone and walked alone. For the first time, my mask wasn't working. I tried to smile, but I just couldn't. Despite all the abuse and heartache at home, I always had my friends to support me and to make me happy. With them, I was able to keep up my happy mask. But without them… I was breaking. And one thing can only break so many times before it shatters completely.

Out of all of this, what hurt the most was Remus. I guess I always thought of him as being so nice, his rejection hurt the worst out of everyone. His normally kind eyes were icy and harsh. It didn't suit him. I just wanted my friends back.

The silent treatment continued day after day. After 2 weeks, I couldn't handle their glares anymore. I stopped going to meals to avoid it. My weight rapidly dropped, not that I noticed. I was too busy hating myself.

It was 2 days before Winter Holidays when I got the letter.

_Avalyn,_

_You're going to come home for Christmas this year. We can have a nice family Christmas, almost like old times. We're even going to have a party. I know how you love those._

_I'll see you soon darling._

_-Jonathon Kendall_

My head started to spin and I braced myself against the wall. A party… one of _his _parties. 2 days left in the hell that is school, then straight into the hell that is my home. Great.

"Lyn? Where are you?" he taunted, walking slowly down the hallway. I was pressed up against the wall in the corner of my room, holding my breath. He was drunk, so maybe he wouldn't find me.

"Come out come out wherever you are…" he sang, pushing the door open. The floorboards creaked as he stepped closer and closer to my hiding spot. He stopped moving, and the room went deathly silent.

"Found you!" he whispered, peeking around the dresser and grabbing me around my waist. I shrieked and kicked, but he was too strong.

He dropped me roughly onto the floor in the living room in the middle of a group of men. They all smiled and stepped towards me, looking towards my father for permission. I squeezed my eyes tightly together and blocked out the noises. I ignored their hands on my skin. I thought about Remus, Sirius, James, and Lily, and how much I missed them. I lost myself in my head. I went completely and uncontrollably numb.

**Did you like it? It was short, I know, but I'll update again soon. Please review. I RESPOND TO EVERY SINGLE REVIEW. ALL OF THEM. Please review! Follow me on tumblr! Sentimental-lovve is my url! **

**Thanks! I love you guys 3**


	11. Timor

**So…wow. I got 5 reviews on the last chapter. Let's try for 6 on this one! Thank you guys so much for all your support and thank you so much for reviewing. Remember I respond to all reviews!**

**Darkangel856- **I know Ava has a bad life :( but don't worry it will get better eventually

**Hopefeather- **I'm sorry it was so short! I've been really stressed in school and most of the writing I'm doing is being done during class when I should be paying attention… Notice she doesn't call him he dad or daddy, but she only calls him her father because that title is kinda cold and unloving. She can't use her wand cus she doesn't want to get kicked out of Hogwarts. Thanks for reviewing this chapter and the last one I love you thank you so much!

**Lightbabe- I** can't tell you too much about the story cus I don't want to give anything away… :) But things will get better eventually. I love you thank you so much for being such a loyal and amazing reader and reviewer I really appreciate it keep on doing that. Thanks!

**L00ve-Joanna- **Thank you! :)I hope you like this chapter I worked really hard on it!

**Flyleaf Lover 13- **Thank you. I good hate you too. I hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

**Chapter 11:**

"Do you want your fortune told, dearie?" asked a frail old lady sitting at a table, hunched over a crystal ball. I paused and looked over at her curiously, and she motioned me over.

"How much?" I replied hesitantly. She smiled and motioned again.

"For you, free." I gave in and sat down on the chair across from her, wincing as my bruises came in contact with the seat. She looked at me sadly, seeming to notice my pain.

I had gone to the boardwalk to escape from my hell hole of a house, even if only for a few hours. Every step hurt like knives stabbing into me, but the sea air and peaceful sound of the ocean cleared my head, making all the pain worth it.

The lady took my hand and lightly traced the lines on it, making me feel strangely safe and comfortable.

"Love is forgiving. Take help when it is offered." She whispered. As her words sunk in I immediately thought of my friends. Well, ex-friends. Specifically Remus. My heart ached at the thought as I thanked the woman and stood up. As I walked away her words echoed in my head.

_Take help when it is offered._

Did she know? How could she? She's just a muggle. I recalled once hearing that some muggles were born with no actual magical powers, but some seer abilities. Maybe that was how she knew. Either way, I knew I had to get back home sometime, and it would be best to get there before my father woke up.

I was confused as to whether or not I should be exited to back to school the next day. I was happy to get away from my father, but I didn't really feel like facing everyone who hates me. It was going to take a lot of work to cover up the injuries I had sustained during the break. Not that anyone would care, anyway. They were all at home with their families enjoying a happy Christmas, probably not even thinking about me once. Not knowing that my entire break was spent being broken by my father, and missing them, and wishing that someone would just send me one damn letter or _something_.

_Anything._

But nobody cares, and nobody ever would, and I've already payed the price. I'm damaged beyond repair. I suppose I can't blame anyone but myself; I pushed them away. But it still hurts to know that nobody cares.

I sighed and opened the front door of my house, praying desperately my father wouldn't hear. Luck was in my favor, apparently, because I managed to get to my room and collapse on my bed without any disturbances. It took hours to fall asleep, and when I finally did, my dreams were plagued with the disgusted faces of my friends, and my father's sadistic smile looming above me.

00000

I woke up the next morning feeling like crap. My entire body ached, and it took a majority of my energy just to drag myself out of bed and get ready. The only thing that cheered me up was the thought of not having to see my father until summer holidays. The happiness immediately vanished, though, when I remembered that school wasn't really all that much better than home.

I had to slather on a ridiculous amount of concealer in order to cover up my bruises. I couldn't do magic until I got to the train so until then, makeup would have to do the job.

My father didn't even look at me as I dragged my trunks out the door and started my long journey to platform 9 ¾. He just remained on the couch, unmoving except to raise the bottle to his lips. Not that I expected him to. Or wanted him to, for that matter. I was fine without him. Better without him.

I kept my head down as I boarded the train and closed myself into a compartment in the back of the train. I curled into myself in the corner of the compartment, using my arms as a pillow on the bench. My eyes were starting to droop closed when the compartment door was thrown open, and four familiar figures burst in. My heart jumped when I heard their voices and realized who it was. They looked around, gasping as their eyes landed on me. James sneered in disgust and pulled Lily out the door, Remus following along almost reluctantly. Sirius looked at me a moment, before shaking his head and exiting after them. Lucky I had already done the glamour charm.

I skipped the welcome feast, not that anyone noticed. I hid out in my dorm with the curtains closed, thinking. Wishing that somebody wanted me, but I knew deep inside that would never happen.

00000

"Today we are going to be facing boggarts." Said Professor Slughorn, beckoning us over to where he was standing by a large black cabinet. My stomach dropped and my breathing became shallow as we walked towards him. Boggarts? Crap. "The spell is Riddikulus. Now line up. All of you are going to have a try."

I scrambled to get as far away from the cabinet, and ended up towards the end of the line, directly behind Sirius and Remus.

Lily stood in front of the cabinet and nodded to Slughorn, who opened it. The boggart slowly immerged from the cabinet in the form of James. He swaggered up to Lily and placed a hand on her cheek lightly. "I've never really loved you. Never even liked you. Just wanted a shag." Boggart James smirked.

"Riddikulus!" shouted Lily confidently, causing boggart James to don a pink lace set of lingerie. The class roared with laughter as Lily returned to line and pecked James on the cheek, who in return looked at her lovingly. The entire exchange made my heart ache.

Next in line was James, who's boggart was dead Lily. He looked truly pained for a moment before changing it into a rag doll and giving the real Lily a tight hug. I few other students took their turns, before Remus went up, and it morphed into a glowing orb that I soon realized was the moon. The class looked on curiously, but Remus didn't even blink as he changed it into a balloon. How weird.

I grew increasingly nervous as Sirius faced his boggart (Professor Dumbledore telling him that he was actually a Slytherin and the sorting hat had made a mistake). Soon enough it was my turn, and my hands shook as I stepped up. The boggart began changing, spinning and morphing before settling on the forms of my four ex-friends. I heard the four mentioned people gasp as their boggart selves stepped closer to me.

"We were only friends with you out of pity." Boggart Lily smirked. "We hate you. We've always hated you."

"You're disgusting. Unlovable." Boggart James sneered, laughing at the distressed look on my face.

"We know you're secret. Everyone knows your secret." Hissed boggart Sirius, a sadistic smile twisting his handsome features. Boggart Remus stayed eerily silent, giving me a look so full of hatred that I almost crumpled to the floor right there.

I slowly raised my wand and stuttered a few times before finally managing to utter a 'Riddikulus' powerful enough to work. I didn't even bother to look at what it changed into before walking to the back of the class, avoiding my classmates' questioning stares.

I could honestly say that at this point, I had reached my all-time low, but I had no intention of climbing back up again. Everyone hated me. Why was I even living? I couldn't even think of one reason. The thought shocked me, but the more I thought about it the better it sounded.

My thoughts were interrupted my Slughorn dismissing the class. I shook my head and walked out of the classroom, thinking that if this was as good as my life gets, then maybe it's not worth living.


	12. Rumoribus

**I got 7 reviews for chapter 11. That's completely amazing. I love you. Thank you.**

**Lightbabe- **here you go :) Thanks for reviewing!

** - **thank you so much! I'm so glad you like it, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

**Hopefeather- **yeah, I considered making her father the boggart, but I decided against it because I didn't want everyone to find out so soon, because that definitely would have tipped them off. Thanks for reviewing I'm glad you liked it!

**Loz- **Thank you so much for reviewing im glad you like it! Im sorry it took so long, but I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

**Asha74- **ok, where do I even start? Thank you so much! I seriously love you and your my most loyal reviewer. Seriously you have no idea how much I appreciate those pm's. I have had so much to do lately with school, and I know I told you I would update last week and I'm so sorry it didn't get done until now. And omg you cried in chapter 11? Wow that actually means so much because I try to write this stuff from real life experience, so to hear that its actually affecting someone is really cool. Thank you so much, and I hope you like this chapter. Lol appreciate the fact that it was written in the back of my bio class.

**Chapter 12**

I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself, and tapped his shoulder lightly.

"What do you want?" James asked icily, throwing his arm protectively around Lily's shoulders.

"I need to talk to Sirius." I said with as much confidence as I could muster, and resisted the urge to look down and avoid their cruel gazes. Sirius nodded impatiently, and I took that as a sign to continue. "I finished our project." I stuttered slightly and pressed my nails into my palm to calm myself down.

"Good." He replied, turning away from me to talk to James. I waited a moment, half-way expecting him to turn around and apologize. But of course he didn't, so I slowly walked away. But I could've sworn I saw Remus send me a sympathetic smile.

I wondered when I would get my friends back. It was to a point where I was done defending myself; I would say sorry. I would beg for mercy, apologize for the things I knew weren't my fault. I would do anything, but they wouldn't let me. They wouldn't listen for long enough for me to make an impact.

_Why does this help? Why does this feel good?_

Another cut, another tear, another painful memory swirling around in my mind. My tears dripped down, mixing with the crimson blood on my wrist, creating sort of a watery pink color that I would have admired in any other situation.

_Remus._

I couldn't get him out of my head. He seemed sympathetic, almost sorry for the way they were treating me. Guilty, even.

"I need the bathroom!" A high pitched, squeaky voice blared through the door. I mumbled a reply and stood up, cleaning up the blood magically. I reapplied the glamour charm and exited the bathroom, ignoring the glare the girl shot at me.

"Slut."

I stopped short. I had been called many mean names before by the other girls- most of whom were just jealous that I was friends with the Marauders- but never that name. There had never been any reason for it. I had never had a boyfriend, never talked about a crush. She smirked, obviously satisfied having got some sort of a reaction out of me.

"Haven't you heard?" she asked fakely, her voice sickly sweet and her lips twisted into a deliberate smile. "Your little friends told us all about your _private life._ Everyone knows." She giggled and disappeared into the bathroom, leaving me standing there. Thoughts coursed throughout my mind, overlapping each other and making it hard for me to think. But one thought I could recognize made me angry and hurt and confused all at the same time.

_How could they do this to me?_

**Remus POV**

"Why are we being so mean to her?" I asked hotly, watching her retreating back with regret. They were taking this too far. "Just forgive her already."

James sent me an '_are you stupid?'_ look and shook his head. "She hasn't apologized yet." He explained slowly, as if he were talking to a 3 year old. "Therefore, we can't forgive her."

"What exactly is she apologizing for?"

"Lying to us. Keeping her slutty-ness a secret. Living a double-life. She kept us in the dark, Moony. We don't know anything about her." He said darkly. I couldn't help but disagree.

_They might not know anything about her, but I do. I know that she loves potions, and hates transfigurations. I know that she loves animals, and feels uncomfortable around adults. I know that she loves the winter because it's predictable, yet still beautiful. I know so much about her, things she let slip unnoticed. She may have everyone else fooled, but not me. I know her._

I sighed and let the subject drop, knowing it would only aggravate them more. The look on her face when she told us, during that game of truth, was still etched into my mind. I couldn't forget the pure sadness of her expression. With Avalyn, she's such a guarded person that what you see is almost never genuine. She always had up a mask to hide her feelings. But that one expression was more pure and genuine than any other I had ever seen on her face.

I had felt so betrayed when I found out. I had never pegged her to be that type of girl, and it hurt that she was keeping that from us. But now the betrayal and confusion was clearing, and I realized that _who was I to judge?_ I was being a total hypocrite, shunning her for keeping her secret, when I was keeping one even worse than hers. How would she react if I told her? I didn't know, but now I would never have a chance to find out, because even if we did make up, she would probably never trust me again.

But she just looked so…. Broken. Something was seriously wrong.

A cheery voice broke me from my thoughts.

"Hey, was that Ava that just left? I thought you guys were friends?" I recognized her to be Mary McDonald, a fellow 6th year who was known for being incessantly upbeat.

"We're not associating with her anymore." Sirius replied for me. She looked confused, but her face quickly changed into one of interest as she asked what had happened. I looked on, completely horrified, as they recited a short version of it to her. Not only was Mary known for being upbeat, she was also known as being the queen of gossip, and taking things way out of proportion. I couldn't believe they would do this; not only was it bad enough to abandon here, but to gossip about her? The story would spread like wildfire, then what would happen?

She looked smug as she walked away.

"Guys…" I started, "Why did you do that?"

"Do What?"

"Tell her! She's going to tell everyone!" I almost yelled, but caught myself and returned to a normal volume. Recognition dawned on their faces as it sunk in.

"Oh…" James's face was conflicted, crossed between nonchalance and guilt. Sirius turned to her table, I assumed to talk to her, but she was already in the middle of a group of girls, speaking in hushed tones and glancing at our group.

People underestimate how fast gossip spreads.

"It doesn't matter." Sirius decided. We all nodded, wanting to believe what he said. "It'll be ok. She'll be ok."

I wasn't so sure.


	13. Infirmos Iocus

**A/N: I'm so sorry about the long wait. Ive had a lot going on right now. If you care to know, keep reading, if not, skip the bold parts. Long story short, my parents got arrested, and I had to spend a lot of time with social workers, which meant no personal computer. I'm back at home now, though, which means I should be able to post more often. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

**P.S. The review responses are at the end of the chapter!**

**Chapter 13**

I sucked in a heavy breath and tucked my head down, avoiding the harsh gazes of my classmates.

"Slut" a girl muttered into my ear, slamming past me and flicking her hair over her shoulder. I breathed in sharply and sped up my pace, now moving down the corridor in a sort of slow jog.

I approached my spot and collapsed into the little seat. I had taken to coming here over the past few days instead of attending meals. My weight was way down, but luckily my daily glamour charm concealed that. I knew I needed food, but I was terrified to go to meals or even to leave my dorm at night to go to the kitchen.

The spot was nice- a tiny alcove with an amazing view of the grounds. I would sit in there in all my free time watching the birds fly and animals roam the fields, and the quidditch players race around the air. I liked to watch them, but envied them, envied their freedom. I couldn't imagine how nice it would be to be able to fly so freely, not a care in the world.

The spot was sort of my escape. If I concentrated hard enough, I could almost forget about everything.

Almost.

Its weird- when you're on the outside, everything is fine. Everyone is nice and happy and friends are there to support you. You see people being bullied, but you never do anything about it. Now, being the target, I knew exactly how it felt, and it was absolutely horrible. The worst type of pain. The betrayal hurt more than any beating my father had ever given me.

I sighed and looked down at my wrist, tracing the smooth, unblemished skin. I knew that once the charm wore off, there would be hundreds of pink lines, crisscrossing over the old, puckered skin of my past cuts. I ignored those thoughts and rubbed the perfect skin again, pretending it was real.

Maybe if I pretended for long enough I would start to believe it. That would be far better than my reality, anyway.

My watched beeped and broke me from my thoughts.

Time for potions. AKA, time to sit next to Sirius.

000

"Before we start today's lesson, I'd like to inform you that tomorrow you will be presenting the potions you created with your partner!"

I liked Slughorn, he was a fine teacher, but this particular project was wiping out all the good feelings I might have had for him. He didn't mean we had to demonstrate them ourselves… did he?

"Choose amongst your partner who it will be tested on." He smiled. My eyes widened in horror.

Why did we pick to make that potion? Sirius would make me test it out on myself, of course, which would mean that everyone in the class would see one of my memories. It was a relevance potion, we decided, so it shows a memory based on whatever is popping into your head at the moment, or what is relevant with the situation at hand.

I prayed that just this once Sirius would spare me, but to no avail, as he turned to me and smirked. My heart sunk and I struggled to keep the look of misery off of my face, but I'm sure it stayed, because there seemed to be a flicker of guilt in Sirius's eyes, though it was gone so quickly I wondered if I had even seen it in the first place.

000

Slughorn's eyes were three shades darker than the mahogany desk he sat behind. I knew because I had been staring into them for the last 10 minutes, pleading with him to not make me present the following day.

"I'm sorry, Miss Kendall, but I'm afraid it's not an option." He sighed and looked decently apologetic, but the look quickly vanished as he returned to his work. I wanted to stay and beg some more, but I knew it would do no good, so I dragged myself out of the classroom and began the walk upstairs to my alcove.

A sound came from my left in the empty corridor, and I turned around slowly when it became louder. "Who's there?" I asked hesitantly, gripping tightly onto my wand in my pocket. The sound continued, sounding closer to me. I stepped back, stumbling in the process, until I was back against the hallway wall.

Suddenly my vision went black and I squealed, unprepared for the loss of sight, before I realized with a start that there was something soft over my eyes.

_ A blindfold_

I lashed out to my left, finding only air, and did the same to my right, only to come in contact with a muscular body. I tried to scream, but a hand covered my mouth and nose, shutting off my air.

My vision started to fizzle, black spots appearing around the edges, and I vaguely heard a spell I didn't recognize being muttered quietly, and my feet being lifted off the floor. If I had been awake, I would have recognized it to be a levitation charm, but I was slowly fading…

_Fading…_

_Fading…_

_Fading…_

_Gone._

000

I blearily blinked my eyes open, groaning at the bright lights invading them. I felt a little cold, and reached down to pull my covers up, but found I couldn't move.

I shot awake curiously, studying my surroundings.

This was definitely not my bed. This was definitely the great hall.

The previous events rushed back to me, and I began to struggle against my restraints, only to hear… laughter?

It _was_ laughter. I slowly looked over, honestly terrified as to what I would find.

The first one I saw was Mary McDonald. The cheery girl had an ugly smirk twisting her face, which did not suit her delicate featured at all. I realized with a pang that they were all there, all of them, everyone I knew, laughing at me.

And even worse, I had no clothes on. My simple cotton bra and underwear barely covered everything, and I could feel myself flushing head to toe. Why would they do this? What sort of prank was this? Thinking about it, it actually made some sort of sense. I was the 'school slut', so they were putting me on a pedestal to show that off.

I felt ashamed that tears were burning my eyes, but than another sort of burning distracted me. My necklace burnt hot against my chest, making me gasp and wiggle against my restraint. I had to get away from here _now. _If I didn't, the charm would wear off, and everyone would see my scars.

Not exactly the best way to start the day.

000

**Lightbabe- **i know, babe. I understand. I created the character and I still feel bad for her, even though I'm the one writing this. Remus will come to his sense soon, I promise. Thank you so much for being such a loyal reviewer 3

**Asha74- **Thank you so much for all the private messaged I really appreciate them, they motivate me to keep writing. Thanks so much seriously. I'm so happy to hear that you really like my story, It means so much. I really hope you like this chapter I worked hard on it!

**DuskDreamer14- **thank you so much I hope you like it 3

**Effective Erratic Evolution- **yeah it is sort of a predictable plot line, but im trying to make it at least somewhat unique. I hope you like it!

**Flyleaf Lover 13- **I read my favorites over and over again so its amazing to hear that you read mine that much. Thank you so much :) :)

**Guest- **okokok I updated no need to get violent. Im kidding obviously thanks love xx im glad you like my story 3


	14. Clamate

**A/N: SO SO SORRY! I will be updating more frequently now that school is over i promise!**

**I have decided that i will only be doing review responses to people who ask questions. It would be pointless to reply to all of them. So if you have anything to ask me, please do, and i will answer, i promise! Enjoy :)**

Chapter 13

I woke to the metallic taste of blood.

I cringed and leaned down to my left, spitting the incriminating substance onto the hard floor. I looked around the room- concrete walls, dirty floor covered with blood and other things I wasn't sure I wanted to identify.

I realized with a start that the memories of my friends laughing at me in the great hall weren't real; they were just a dream. The thought brought some comfort to me, but not much, as I had still been kidnapped. But at least, if anything, I got the comfort of knowing that my friends didn't do this.

It was my father this time.

After being kidnapped from the school i was brought back to my home and put in some sort of underground prison that I hadn't known existed until I was roughly shoved inside, where I promptly passed out from the beating I had endured only minutes before.

There was a small lamp in the corner where I was lying, producing barely enough light to illuminate my body.

But it was enough.

I could see every bruise, every injury on my frail form.

My pale skin was barely recognizable, covered almost completely by fist shaped bruises, cuts made by a rusty knife, and whip burns.

Footsteps echoed outside the door and I quickly slid down the wall, closing my eyes and breathing slowly, imitating sleep. The door creaked open, and two sets of voices filtered in.

"Good, the bitch is asleep." I recognized the first gruff voice as my father, and almost winced when he brushed a calloused finger over my cheek.

"How much are you looking to get for her?" Another, slightly higher, voice chimed in, and the sound of papers rustling.

"I don't care how much. Just take her off my hands." The sound of a pen scribbling.

"1 grand do it for ya?"

"That's more than enough." I could hear the smile in his voice. I had to stifle a gasp. He was selling me? A human being?

"Well, if the amount is settled, than all you have to do is sign here" more rustling, "and here. We'll send someone to pick her up in a week or so." Another pen noise. He had signed the form. Signed me away to a stranger.

"Great. If we're done, then let's head back upstairs…" The door slammed shut behind them, and my eyes flew open.

My father was selling me.

I would never get to go to school again. All those days I took for granted, all those interesting lessons and experiments, I would never get to see again. I had spent years of my life in a classroom, learning, practicing, and for what? So I could become a sex slave? Some puppet to be bought and sold?

I would never get my dream of becoming a healer. I would never get to have the satisfaction of erasing someone's wounds, someone's pain. I had worked so hard for that, taken so many extra classes, endured so many sleepless nights to study, and I would never get the chance. Never even get to try.

I would never talk to a teacher again. McGonagall- she had done so much for me. Encouraged me when I felt inadequate gave me private lessons in transfiguration when I fell behind. Flitwick had cheered me up when I felt like crying. Dumbledore was the most inspirational and insightful man I knew. They had been my parental figures, the only adults in my life I could trust. They had done so much for me, and I would never get the chance to thank them.

I would never read a book again. I would never eat a chocolate bar again. I would never laugh again. I would never walk the halls of Hogwarts again.

I would never see my friends again.

_My friends._

The words brought tears to my eyes.

I had been such a shitty friend to them, always keeping secrets, lying. They had all saved my life, saved me from myself, more times than I could count. Lily had been there for me since we started school. Sure, she was hotheaded, but she was the best friend that I could ever ask for. James was there to makes bad jokes, or to cheer me up. He never asked questions, just smiled that crooked smile and somehow everything was alright. Sirius was one of the best people I knew, by far. He was my best friend, and in my fight with Lily, was the one person I could really count on. And _Remus…_

I would never see his smile again. I would never watch him read during potions, watch his eyebrows and mouth twitch when he read a funny line. I would never talk to him again, never look into his chocolate eyes.

I would never get to kiss him.

I would never get to call him _mine._

That was all I really wanted, anyway, was someone to call my own. I just wanted people who loved me. And I had almost had that with the Marauders and Lily.

I was _so close._

But I just had to go and mess it up, like I mess up everything else. I had to lie and keep secrets and I just had to get to close.

I should never have gotten that close.

Because anything that touches me breaks. I hurt everyone and everything around me. I hurt them. I could see it in their eyes on that night, when they yelled at me. Their voices expressed anger, but their eyes… They were full of pain. Pain that _I _caused.

And now I would never see them again. And I could never apologize for the damage I had done.

I just had to sit here and wait for the end.

Not the end, per say, but rather the beginning. Then beginning of hell.

I had heard about these things, these girls sold into slavery. I had seen the news reports and the interviews with them after being rescued. It did not matter that they were saved; the damage had already been done. Their skin was pale and their body was bruised and their eyes were dull and lifeless. They were just a shell of a human being. That was just the "lucky" few, though, most died of starvation or drug overdose, or were beaten to death.

I knew that, once I was taken by that man, I would never be saved. I would never be okay again.

And all I really wanted was for Remus or Sirius or Lily or _someone _to come down into my tiny cell in the basement, hold me, and tell me I was loved. That's all.

But nobody came, and nobody would, and I could feel myself slipping. I could feel my carefully constructed walls breaking down.

My eyes watered and for the first time in 11 years, I didn't rub the tears away.

For the first time in 11 years, I cried.


End file.
